Monday, February 29, 2016

Vanilla

Overall, I like thinking of myself as being an adventurous sort of fella. When it comes to life, I feel my inner Indiana Jones is bubbling just under the surface, ready to burst forward at the possibility of trying something new: a new food, going to see a new artist perform music with which I am not familiar, or even taking a new path to get to a familiar destination. Having said that, more and more I am coming to the conclusion that in reality my Indiana Jones is buried within me a lot deeper than I admit. For it to emerge, a great deal of coaxing and hand-wringing must first occur. And even then, it is with great reluctance that it pops its out from underground.

The other day I went to get an ice cream cone with a friend. The choices of flavors seemed as long as I-95. Many of them, to me, looked so tasty and seemed very exotic. So, what did I order? That's right: a single scoop of vanilla. How un-Indiana Jones is that? I have had vanilla a million times before. Without question, it is my favorite. Still, I confess to feeling a bit disappointed in myself at those moments because it represents me turning away from the new and sticking with the old. Is that a bad thing? In the case of ice cream, no. But in other areas of life, perhaps so. I, of course, am referring to communication.

All of us interact with others on some level most every day of our lives. At those times, as a result of the many variables that contribute to our moods and attitude, we are slightly different each time we encounter another, including one with whom we are familiar. When we communicate with each other in the same way during those times, the result can often prove to be not nearly as satisfying or fulfilling as we might like. In other words, vanilla might not always be the best choice to make. Each of our encounters is different because each day we are different - even in small ways. This requires an active readiness to be adventurous and adjust how we communicate from day to day.

Friday, February 26, 2016

Warmth & Competence

First impressions can and do play a key role in determining the trajectory of a relationship. Upon meeting a person for the first time, how strongly we feel connected or drawn to them often sets the tone for the interactions that follow. What exactly, then, are the factors on which that first impression is based? Recently, Amy Cuddy, a business professor at Harvard University, answered. that question. In a new study, she found  warmth and competence to be the vital components. These factors, she noted, speak to the level of trust and confidence one has in another. If present, then this new relationship is off to a good start.

This is interesting as it speaks to what people exude or communicate when meeting another for the first time. If Person A picks up those vibes from Person B, then that suggests Person B is giving off signals suggesting they are, in fact, trust worthy in terms of being believable and being able to get things done. For me, the question then revolves how one can communicate those kind of signals to another. Is it in the handshake? A smile? A clever opening line? The way one is standing?  For this to happen, it seems there must be an underlying level of sincerity that is part of what is being communicated at the moment of an initial meeting.

A word of caution: though first impressions are no doubt powerful, there is no guarantee they are accurate. Therefore, all of us must be sensitive to the reality that: (1) there are those who are quite proficient at faking warmth and and a level of competence; and (2) our ability to "size-up" another is far from perfect. But particularly to those who are not dishonest, this study by Professor Cuddy does contribute to highlighting factors that help get any new relationship off to a good start. Plus, on a deeper level, the study also suggests what factors play a important role in ensuring a relationship remains strong and positive.

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Universal Ingredients

There is a moment in a romantic comedy of several years ago called "Something's Gotta Give" when in the middle of an argument the leading lady calls the leading man a "shmuck." The man responds by saying, "Well, shmucks have feelings, too." Funny scene. Funny movie. But all that aside, a good point is made. Not only does everyone have feelings, they also have their own perspectives, preferences, a vision, priorities, and levels of comfort. These are among the many variables that make all of us the individuals we are. They are, in essence, our ingredients. They are universal with the primary difference being the degree or amount to which we have them at any given time.

In terms of interpersonal communication or interactions between folks, problems occur not because we all have these ingredients, but, rather, because we do not always communicate our own level of each or take the time to properly understand the level of each the other person has. In other words, because a person may feel very strongly about climate change, for example, they may not make as much of an effort as they should to understand the differing views another may have on that issue. Consequently, not only is there conflict or disagreement, the likely result is no attempt to reach consensus or identify any sort of common ground.

Effective communication can help avoid a stand-off. By making a sincere effort to better appreciate another perspective, one places themself in a better position to reframe their point-of-view in a way that another might find more acceptable, reasonable or less threatening. Thus, it becomes not so much a matter of giving-in, but more of an effort to identify and then build on ingredients shared by all parties. Recognizing that "shmucks" have feelings is a basic but important step toward communicating successfully and effectively with others. Good communicating is built on the premise of being open-minded.




Friday, February 19, 2016

Easy Answers

Whenever I am asked where I was born or where I grew up, I almost always answer "Baltimore." The reason is it is a city that most everyone knows in terms of name-recognition and location. Once I give my answer, people usually nod and then the conversation goes on from there. Nice and smooth. Easy. The problem with that, however, is that it is not true. The fact is I was neither born nor raised in Baltimore, Maryland. For the record, I was born in Baltimore County and raised in a suburb called Woodlawn, both of which are very close to Baltimore but - more to the point - are not Baltimore. Why, then, do I give out misleading information about myself?

Generally, I find the real answer to be too much of a distraction. I feel it slows down and even sidetracks the interaction I am having with another. If I respond, "Woodlawn," then they are going to understandably want to know where it is as well as some sort of brief description about it. Under most circumstances, I see such information as being too much of a distraction from the conversation at-hand. So, "Baltimore" it is and "Baltimore" it will continue to remain until I am convinced such a white lie is all that much of a problem. It is an easy answer that, to me, that does far more good than harm.

I do not see me being unique when it comes to this sort of thing. Often, people revert back to easy answers rather than taking the time to opening themselves up to explaining something they would rather not. They find it much easier to go with a sound bite or talking point that, at best, only skims the surface of what is true. Though understandable, such communicating does not do service or justice to the receiver or sender within the interaction or the topic on which they are conversing. Yet both sender and receiver seem to be active participants in this dynamic. Perhaps all of us should re-think our addiction to easy answers. The full truth may be more complicated, but without question it is better for us.

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Public Conversation

Public conversation is a slow-moving beast. By this I mean a narrative - any narrative - on a given topic that is being carried out by the general public. An example of this would be talk about the dangers of legalizing pot. For many years, the conventional wisdom was that a shift in moving it from being illegal to legal would be a seismic mistake. Such a perspective represented  the primary direction of any public conversation on this topic. It literally took years before the opposite perspective gained any kind of meaningful traction in the public arena. Presently, on this topic the public conversation is different from what it was.

How did this happen? What contributed to such a change? I raise these questions not so much about public attitudes regarding legalizing pot. Rather, my questions speak more to the shift itself. What were the communication dynamics that occured to help make the shift possible? What role did communication play in this change? Specifically, how big of a part did and do professional communicators play in all this? Without question, even the chance of a shift in public conversation does not exist without the involvement of pros who devise specific strategies designed to trigger eventual change.

These strategies can and do include identifying targeted audiences, credible advocates, viable communication channels, and adequate budgets. They also include another ingredient that is of utmost importance: patience. Shifts in public conversation often take time. Rarely do they occur over night. Consequently, professionals with the ability to devise long range plans are key players in all this. As a result, when a change in public conversation does occur, it often seems like it happen over night. The reality, however, is often quite different. Dramatic change only seems dramatic because it is only the end of the evolution that is visible to the public eye.

Sunday, February 14, 2016

The Beginning of Advancement

Finding one's voice is as much apart of our growth as individuals as anything. Finding the courage to speak up and out is not easy, especially when risking the judgment and critique of others. This is never easy. None of us like scorn or rejection. Who among us doesn't want agreement? Reality, of course, tells us we do not get that one hundred percent of the time. After all, others have their own perspectives and often times view how we see things as being off-base. One result is that many times people are reluctant to express themselves for fear of being challenged and criticized. This is one reason why so many folks, myself included at times, do not like speaking in front of others.


For much of my professional life I have taught an array of communication classes, including ones in writing, public relations, public speaking and even client relations. If I had to select one common denominator in each of those classes, it is the challenge of helping students find their own voice. Regardless of the focus of the class, the great majority of the thousands of students I have had the honor of teaching these many years have struggled with developing enough courage to where they are comfortable openly expressing themselves in class. Generally, class discussions have revolved around a few rather than the majority of the students.


A fundamental goal of mine as a teacher is to get students to understand that while learning and understanding the subject matter are extremely important, so, too, is developing the ability and even the nerve to talk about it front of others. Such a skill only becomes more critical in the years beyond school. Being able to explain one's perspective to a spouse, a boss, co-workers, children and others not only helps define people as individuals, it also contributes greatly to strengthening ties between people and adds a building block to the advancement of society. All it all begins with the search for one's voice.
   

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Highway of Life

All of us on our own journey. All of us travel along our own personal highways. Each of these thruways contain an array of detours, distractions, directional signs, exits, rest stops and many other highway metaphors that represent the stops and starts and wrong and, yes, even right turns we all make during the course of our lives. Life certainly is a journey and, hopefully, one that is more fulfilling and rewarding than not for all of us. As part of the traveling we all do, there is a multitude of communication opportunities that, collectively, play a significant role in defining how positive or not our time on Earth is.   


Those communication opportunities include such moments as how we interact with others, how we represent ourselves to others, and how we receive or process what is communicated to us. These challenges are ones we all share though how well do with each and how fond we are of how others do with their opportunities often varies. For instance, I am not always pleased with how well I do when it comes to communication and I definitely am not always thrilled with others in their attempts to connect with me or others. To give one quick example, people who talk over others will never make my personal list of favorite things.   


Also, I do not like it when people finish another's sentences. I understand that is supposed to indicate a sign of closeness, which people view as a good thing. While I am all for closeness, I believe people are capable of completing their own thoughts and sentences and should be allowed to do so. This is not to say that I am not guilty of talking over others or completing another's sentence. From time to time I also tend to not listen to others nearly as well as I should. My point in all this is not to disclose my many communication imperfections. Rather, it is to acknowledge that just as all of us travel life's highway, as part of that we also exhibit many of the same flaws when it comes to something that matters greatly.

Sunday, February 7, 2016

Singing on the Subway

It was a late Saturday afternoon in New York City. The subways, as usual, were crowded. Lots of activity. Lots of scurrying jostling for position. Lots of passengers. On one of the trains a gentleman rose from his seat at the subway's doors closed and the train began to move down the track. He cleared his throat and began to sing a song I, for one, had never heard. Some of the lyrics touched on such things as "fancy boats" and "giant mansions." The lines resonated with me only to the extent I have none of those things. My guess is the singer does not either. At the end of the song, he asked the passengers for money to help him pay for dinner that night. No one, including me, gave him any.


I find this brief episode  to be worth the mention because it drove-home the fact that communication outreach efforts come in all kind of forms and sizes and that many of them, regardless of the sincerity of their messenger or the level of creativity behind them, work. The reasons are many. Perhaps, for instance, it had to do with the people at the receiving end of the song. Maybe they did not want to be bothered. Perhaps the messenger should have selected another song or maybe he should have done without a song completely and directly asked folks for money. Either way, reasons for the pitch's failure, I suspect, could be found in both camps. I say that without passing judgment on either one.


Connecting with others represents the ultimate communication challenge for all of us. Regardless the circumstance, what the motivating forces might be, or even the quality of the act of reaching out, for us to come even close to maintaining some level of dignity, self-worth or esteem, we as living creatures need our efforts to connect to work. If they do not, then what defines us the begins we are vanishes. This particular man at that particular time choose to connect via his song and his message of seeking financial help. As I departed the subway leaving him to reach out to a new influx of passengers, I found myself hoping he found success.

Friday, February 5, 2016

The Danger of Humor

A long time ago, there were two Indians - a warrior and a maiden - who were madly in love. But they could not be together because the camps in which they lived were separated by a large lake. Day after day the two would gaze at each other from different sides of that body of water. Finally, the warrior could no longer stand being apart from his great love, so he decided to swim across the lake to be with her. Halfway across the lake he drowned. Word spread quickly about the tragic fate of this young man who wanted nothing more than to be with the love of his life. In honor of that warrior, the lake became known as "Lake Stupid."


That was a joke I told many years ago at a dinner at which I was the key note speaker. You one can easily guess, no one in the audience laughed. Even though this happened several decades ago, to this day I still think about that awful moment in which I learned just how deafening silence can be. A hard lesson I learned from that experience is that if one wants to be funny in front of a room full of people, then they should proceed with great caution. Being funny in a public setting is not for the faint-hearted. Failure not only is embarrassing, but it quickly detracts from any credibility a speaker might have and does much to detract from any regard an audience might have for the person at the microphone.


I bring up this low moment in my so-called professional life as a word of warning to those non-comedians with dreams of regaling audiences with their wit as part of an attempt to pass along snippets of wisdom and experience. Humor is great and really can enhance any kind of public speech. But just as strongly, a failed attempt at humor can have nasty ramifications. Consequently, if one is going to tell a joke, then they should be as certain as they can that the joke is going to elicit laughs. At the same time, they need to be prepared with a good response in case the joke - for whatever reason - falls flat.    

Monday, February 1, 2016

Bad Guys Win, Too

Here is a fact of life that none of us like to admit: sometimes bad guys win and good guys lose. There are times when those who are virtuous, honest and correct in their perspective on things do not get that first-place prize. They run second to those who lie, manipulate and who are underhanded in how they communicate. This is a disturbing piece of reality that runs counter to all that most of us like to believe. It is a chunk of that unpleasant truism: life is not always fair. Thus, for those falling under the category of "good,"this is why it is so important that they never take their virtue for granted or assume that victory will always fall in their lap.


Eighty years ago in 1936, the Olympics were held in Berlin, Germany. As the capital of that country, this city was literally at the heart of the Nazi movement. Hitler was firmly in power along with his top underlings, including people like Joseph Goebbels and Hermann Goring. At  that time, Hitler was not yet ready to reveal his true intentions of exterminating Jews and dominating the world even though they were already in the beginning stages of systematically engineering the execution of innocent men and women and strengthening their military. The Olympics represented a sizeable challenge for Hitler as the spotlight of the world was very much boing to be on him and his country. The last thing he anted was to show his true colors.


Under the leadership of Goebbels, Hitler's chief of propaganda, the country successfully initiated a massive cover-up which included forcing Germans to behave cordially to their nation's visitors and not give any hint of their growing fear of Hitler, removing bodies from various nearby rivers, and relocating others to detention centers situated outside the borders of Berlin. As described by author Daniel James Brown, Berlin, in essence, was turned into a giant movie lot. What the world's athletes and international press saw, then, was not real. The success of this fakery was a coup for Goebbels. The bad guys won. Though this so-called "victory" of the Nazi leaders proved to be short-lived, what happened in Berlin in 1936 continues to serve as a reminder that effective communication does not solely reside in the heart and mind of "good guys."