The Same Rules

There are two criteria that must be met if effective communication is to occur: both parties must be playing by the same rules and be acting in good faith. If not, then it is just not going to happen. You end up having two people or groups talking at each other and, when they are finished, nothing has been advanced. A simple example of this would be two people who cannot speak the same language. Unless the two shift to a form of communication they both understand, such as physical gestures, then any connection between the two will not occur. Fortunately, if the two people are acting in good faith and genuinely wish to communicate, then they will make that necessary shift.

Another, more timely example of two communicators not playing by the same rules is seen in the health care debate going on right now between republicans and democrats in Congress. It is apparent to me that members of our country's two major political parties are not playing by the same rules and are not acting in good faith. What makes this debate so frustrating is that they all definitely speak the same language, both say they recognize the nation's health care system needs to be revamped, and both even agree more people need to have easier access to health care. Despite that, progress and ultimate consensus on this important seems stuck. Why? Because many of these elected officials who claim to want more health care for Americans really do not. They are happy with things as they are for philosophic reasons or because they do not wish to anger those that support them with money and votes. Still, that does not stop them from going through the charade of participating in discussions over ways to expand and improve the nation's health care system.

So, what is one to do when one of the communicators is not shooting straight? Whether it is the specific case of the republicans and democrats or discussions involving two individuals, there are two primary options: try getting at the root of the disagreement by creating a safe environment in which the non-straight shooter can feel comfortable enough to share their real agenda; or simply walk away and proceed in a manner you think best. Generally, people should not be forced to cooperate. But nor should they mislead. At the same time, trying to honestly communicate with someone who does not want to reciprocate is totally misguided. Communication at its best is a two-way street. When it's not, it digresses into a frustrating, shallow dance. Life is too short for that to be allowed any longer than necessary.

The Benefit of Experience

Not too long ago I talked with a group of Air Force officers involved with public affairs work on the challenges of risk and crisis communication. The presentation went well as much because of their input and willingness to engage themselves in the topic than anything I had to share with them. Given their years in the military, they all had stories to tell, information to share and lessons to impart. As they talked I could not help but accept the reality that while I may be the one sitting at the table carrying the title of "teacher," it was they who truly deserved that label. At the conclusion of the two hour session, I walked away feeling as if I gained more from that encounter than did they.

In all fairness to me for a moment, I do not wish to suggest that I had nothing to share or did not provide them with useful information I feel I did. At the same time, given their collective experience of serving overseas, living in combat situations, standing tall in potentially explosive encounters, providing emotional support to the families and friends of fallen comrades, and being responsible for the handling of hundreds of thousands, even millions of dollars of equipment, what I brought to the table could not match their impressive backgrounds and histories.

This entry, then, is a tip of the hat to those with experience. To my good fortunate, these men and women with whom I spent several hours, had plenty experience to spare and share. And if that was not enough, they also shared some of their wisdom in ways that gave life and added meaning to the theories and research I brought with me. Unlike all the times in my life I have purchased a lottery ticket, in this situation I came out a definite winner. Experience does matter. Perhaps its greatest benefit is that it propels knowledge that comes primarily from book-learning to a greater height. Those Air Force professionals had a winning combo of tools when it comes to communication: knowledge and experience.

"Tough Crowd"

A number of years ago I was invited to speak to a group of people as their after dinner speaker. Actually, I was asked to step in for the person the group had originally asked to be with them. Close enough. The one thing I remember about this experience is that during my talk I told a joke and it absolutely died. It was so bad and so poorly received that I could not even hear crickets chirping in the distance. It was a very embarrassing moment. This is why, to this day, I have great empathy for non-comedians like myself who try to be funny in front of a large group of people but aren't. While I know humor can be a great devise for helping establish a connection with others, unless you have a sure-fire joke or funny story to tell, it is also something that should probably be avoided by most of us who occasionally are called upon to stand at a podium and yak at a bunch of people.

Very recently, I spoke to another group of people. Did I tell another joke? Yes. But this time it was received more warmly than my first attempt that still haunts me to this day. Beside the joke itself, what was the difference? Between that first experience and this most recent time, I have learned that audiences generally are not ready for humor from a speaker they do not know or have not, at least, heard of. If you as the speaker are going to try and make them laugh, then you need to let them get to know you better; relax with you; gain a better sense of you as a person. The way to do that in the scenario of giving a public speech is by - are you ready? - speaking. My advise is to not let out with your joke or jokes right away. Give the audience and give yourself time to warm up to each other. At that point you can unleash your inner Henny Youngman.

I teach public relations and have come to rely upon humor in a big way to connect with my students. But even in that situation I do not joke around until the students and I have gained a better sense of each other. As it is when one is talking with a reporter, your main objective is to stay true to the points are need to get across. Rarely are jokes the best way to go. Save them for later. In fact, when in doubt, stay away from the humor altogether. Leave it to the professionals or for when you and colleagues are gathered around the office water cooler.

Communication Baggage

There are a number of kinds or categories of communication. They range from risk and crisis communication, internal communication and inter-cultural communication to interpersonal communication, web communication, and strategic communication. There are others, of course, but these particular ones are among the more popular categories discussed, researched and analyzed. While they all have their own distinct pieces of the total communication pie, they also have plenty of fundamental truths in common. One of these common denominators is credibility. For any kind of communication effort to be of value, then the communicator must have credibility. There is no substitute for that. Oh, people will hear you and they may even read what you write, but if they do not perceive you to be a teller of truth, then you are wasting everyone's time.

Credibility does not always come easily. Sometimes it takes time to establish, particularly if you are representing something or someone who did not have a good reputation for honesty before you came on the scene. Is this fair? No. But it is certainly understandable. It is not unusual for people to lump all representatives together, at least initially. For instance, if an elected official is perceived to be dishonest and this person had a a spokesperson who told half-truths on his or her behalf, then the spokespeople that follow are often viewed as being guilty until proved innocent by the public. This is the baggage that communicators are forced to carry from time to time.

Communicators represent the present and the past. How they deal with this often separates the credible ones from the others. If mistakes have been made, misdeeds occurred, or lies told, then they should not be glossed over or ignored by those who speak in the present. Sure, negative moments from the past can get in the way of what is happening now. And no question it can be irritating when people keep bringing up misdeeds from times past. But if that happens, then a good communicator can use those wrong turns as a way of better highlighting that that sort of thing is no longer happening. Baggage is a reality for all of us. It never helps when it is covered or treated as if it does not exist.

Civility on the Ropes

In the span of a few days our country has been witness to several very public displays of uncivil behavior by well known people: South Carolina Congressman Joe Wilson interrupting an address to the House of Representative and U.S. Senate by President Obama by the calling commander in chief a liar, tennis superstar Serena Williams yelling profanities at an official who made a call against her during one of her matches at the U.S. Tennis Open, and rap singer Kayne West taking the microphone away from another performer during the middle of her acceptance speech at the MTV Awards program because he thought someone else should have won a particular award. Are these isolated cases that coincidentally happen to occur around the same time or are the actions of these people representative of a larger, negative trend in our country? I am not sure but I am concerned enough to raise the question.

There seems to be an escalation of ugliness in our country. Increased shouting. Increased name calling. Increased threats of violence, and, in some cases, actual violence. None of this is good and none of it is healthy for our society. Why is this happening? What is going on? And what can be done about it? One possible answer might be found in reasons why any of us ever feel a need to shout or lash out. We may feel frustrated. We may feel as if we are not being heard. We may feel as if we are not being appreciated or taken into account by those that wield influence over us. We may feel boxed in with no way out but to huff and puff in ways that are ugly. The result is uncivil behavior fueled by anger and frustration. And sometimes those feelings are expressed in ignorance.

Unfortunately, there is no magic bullet to address this phenomenon. However, following fundamental elements of good communication can help. The key to good communication is to establish an environment in which people do have a chance to feel as if they are talking with others. Granted, this is not always easy to do when one is dealing with masses of people. Nevertheless, it is doable through well thought-out strategic communication. Town hall meetings are a good idea, but only if ground rules are established that requires all who participate to behave respectfully. Making great use of social networking outlets works, too, so long as concerns and questions people raise are addressed in a timely manner. Mainly, people need to have confidence that their best interests are being taken into account by those in positions of authority. There's an old expression that says, "People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care." The successfully planting of that seed will go a long way toward nullifying uncivil behavior.

"You lie!"

President Obama was not the only one who did a double take during his recent health care address to a joint session of Congress when he heard the words, "You lie!" erupt from the audience. I did, too. In my lifetime, which goes back as far as President Truman, this was definitely a first for me. As it turned out, according to the numerous media pundits that have since commented and/or reported on it, it was a first for the nation as well. The owner of those two words, we now know, was Congressman Joe Wilson, a republican from South Carolina. Let me quickly say I was and still am as appalled as any one at the inappropriateness of Wilson's behavior. In the past few days I have been around those who have labeled Wilson "an idiot." I confess I did nothing to refute them. Now, I will content myself to say Wilson merely behaved like an idiot.

Up further reflection, given the tenure of our times, I am not sure Wilson's outburst should really have come as a major surprise to any of us. After all, we have just gotten past a summer of (1) one unruly town hall meeting after another in which many people did little else but yell at each other and at their elected representatives; (2) appearances by the president himself in which a number of attendees actually brought weapons; and (3) cable talk shows and call-in radio shows which did little else but fan the flame of uncivil behavior. (In fact, there are some right now that are actually attempting to depict Wilson as some kind of modern day Patrick Henry.) Given all this, is it any wonder that more of our so-called leaders did not distinguish themselves that night in the manner of Wilson? Actually, some in my view were certainly leaning in that direction. As the President talked they sat in their seats posting messages on their blackberries, sending out tweets to their followers, and waving documents in the air. It no longer seems a coincidence that fewer people these days are referring to our country's Congress as the "greatest deliberative body in the world."

Serious and complex issues cry out for respectful debate, thoughtful dialog, and active listening. Instead, we seem to be witnessing people who should know better talking at rather than with each other. What is particularly frustrating is this is occurring around an issue that has universally been acknowledged as being extremely important and in need of addressing. Here's a thought: maybe instead of electing a president in the next election we should simply elect an all powerful referee. Instead of wearing an expensive suit and tie, this person should wear the traditional black and white striped shirt with a whistle hanging around his or her neck. Until then, another option might be that those in leadership positions might do their best to remember that persuasive communication occurs best when it is wrapped in civility.

In Praise of Chicken Little

I would like to give a special shout-out to a much maligned group of individuals who get very little appreciation or, at times, respect: the Chicken Littles of world. No, I am not talking about the nut jobs who are convinced there are aliens hiding behind every mailbox in every city in America. Nor do I mean the fanatics who are certain that every time President Obama swears death panels are not part of his new health care proposals, what he is actually doing is sending a secret message that death panels really are part of his health care proposals. Sadly, there are some people, I am convinced, with whom one cannot reason. Rather, I am referring to those who are reasonable, knowledgeable and sincerely care about helping the rest of us deal with real world problems. They want us to know what to do in case there is a fire in our building or if we have been diagnosed with the H1N1 virus or if our community is hit with a natural disaster.

When times are calm, we may jokingly call these people Chicken Little, but if any of us do, then it is my hope we do so with affection and respect. These individuals are important members of our communities and should be valued for what they do. One of the biggest challenges these professionals face falls under the heading of risk communication. It is this form of communication that is a continuous process in which the communicator attempts to share important information with various publics that they can use in case a potential threat comes to pass. Think about the challenge these communicators face. For most of us, when the sun shining the last thing we want to hear is how we should keep an umbrella close at-hand in case it rains. Yet the risk communicator is the person who needs to figure out a way to get us to not only keep an umbrella nearby just in case but also to know what to do with it should we get hit with a cloud burst.

The risk communicator works to help us prepare for potentially dangerous situations that we cannot see but on some abstract level recognize could potentially become real. In the past eight years our country has been "hit" in a number of significant ways that have been both devastating and unnerving. The terrorists attacks of 9/11 are an obvious example. An anthrax scare, which came right on the heels of that, are another. And then there was Huricane Katrina. How well prepared were we as a society for those times? How well prepared are we now? Under the guidance of competent leaders, it is often the risk communicator who helps improve our state of national and personal readiness. As the eighth anniversary of the attacks of 9/11 passes, it is good for us to recognize the efforts of the risk communicator. At times, via their research and various informational campaigns, they may come across as Chicken Littles. But more importantly, they also have our welfare at heart.

Brave People

Not too long ago I attended a meeting that focused on the health care debate currently dominating much attention in our country. There were only nine of us present so, thankfully, there was none of the shouting, hate mongering and overall nonsense that seems to be occurring at so many of the public meetings on this subject these days. Despite the fact all of us agreed health care reform is needed, everyone behaved in a respectful manner and made no attempt to criticize or verbally attack those who feel differently. Still, some of the conversation was emotional. Several people had heartfelt stories to tell of how their lives have been totally upended because of their battles with and treatment by insurance companies.

One gentlemen, for instance, confessed he currently owes over $100,000 in medical expenses that he believed was going to be covered by his insurance company. Instead, the insurance company decided his "pre-existing condition" was reason enough not to pick up the cost of his needed surgeries. A couple shared the plight of their son, who had become unexpectedly ill. As the boy's condition grew worse their insurance company became less responsive and, ultimately, also concluded it was not responsible for providing the financial assistance upon which this couple was greatly depending. Like the man who spoke before them, they, too, are now heavily in debt and are feeling quite hopeless at the prospect of ever getting back on their feet.

Listening to these people tell their stories, I was struck at how none of us like to display our vulnerabilities to others. Even though we all know we are vulnerable on some level and have plenty of weak spots, generally, we tend to cover them up when around others in the false hope they will think that we totally have our so-called acts together. Maybe, in a number of ways, most of do. But at the same time, as I drove home that night, I reflected on how quickly all of us can become unraveled and have our lives can go from being hopeful to hopeless when things we take for granted or expectations we might have are not met. For me, at least, the brave people who shared their vulnerabilities that night are not only what this health care debate should be about, but their honesty should be what communication itself is about. No spinning. No test marketing. Just plain, simple openness.

Communicating With Strangers

I have been teaching public relations on a part-time basis now for over ten years. It's fun, always a challenge, and it gives me a chance to talk about a topic in which I believe very strongly. Nevertheless, the first day or two of class is always a special source of anxiety. This is because making a connection with a room full of strangers is never easy. I walk into the classroom and the focus of everyone is on me simply because I am the teacher. What exactly do I say? How should I behave? I am still not sure. After all these years, one would think I would have by now come up with a sure-fire opening line guaranteed to get the class and semester off to a rousing start. Alas, I have not.

For me, the awkwardness of the getting-to-know-you dance of strangers who meet is enhanced when the people I do not know out number me by 30 or 40 to one. Still, the show must go on. As the teacher and initial sender of any messages, I recognize the responsibility is on my shoulders to take the lead. Preparation is the key. This, as much as anything, gets me through most any moments of this kind. It may not eliminate my nervousness, but it does help me get through that initial interaction without losing-face. Consequently, I go into each class knowing the topics I wish to cover and having a good sense of the kinds of questions I might be asked. I have little doubt the same can said of most every teacher irregardless of the topic of their class. The power that comes from the knowledge of what teachers want to say helps neutralize moments of awkwardness with their students.

This communication truism goes beyond interactions between teachers and students. It applies to all of us who mingle with others - strangers and people we know. Be prepared. In fact, effective communication comes primarily from two sources: being prepared and maintaining a respectful pool of knowledge from which to draw should unexpected questions, comments, actions or topics be raised. Plus, a good sense of the audience with whom you are addressing or who you are about to address is a major help. This combined knowledge can help you shape your message in a way that is most receptive to the people with whom you are speaking. I consider myself to be more of an introvert in both my personal and professional worlds. The common denominator that helps me navigate each world is preparation.